All I remember feeling in those first few hours in the ER was how desperately I wanted to be back home. The in and out buzzing of nurses, doctors and social workers was not helping my anxiety and but I was no longer suicidal.
If anything I was more disappointed in myself that I had gone to the edge and almost fell into darkness. I promised myself years ago after my last suicide attempt that I would never allow my sorrow and pain overwhelm me like this again. For 17 years I was able to keep that promise to myself despite all that I have gone through in that time.
All I could ask myself was how did it get to this point where I was so willing to dance with death. I took a look at my life and realized just how unhappy I was. My illness was controlling my life and I didn't even realize it. I bottled up so much over the years and knew the voices in my head weren't real, but in one single moment of weakness I let my guard down and all I could hear was them screaming at me.
I wish I could more accurately describe what it is like in my head. If people could only experience for just a moment of what I live with on a daily basis, maybe they would understand how hard I fight everyday for those moments of sanity where I know what life is.
All it took was a weak moment and a hateful person to completely undo every coping mechanism and self support measures I had built.
The 36 hours I spent in the hospital with my husband at my side, made me realize that I need more than just myself to survive my illness. I decided to start seeing a therapist (which I do weekly), I'm also seeing a psychiatrist to work on a treatment plan for my condition and most importantly I am devoting 100% of my energy into self care. It took a long time for me to accept that I am not like other people and I need a lot more time and energy to devote to taking care of myself.
I am now three months into my recovery journey and I feel infinitely better than I have in so long. I'm surrounded by people who love and care about me and I have the ability to get the help I need. My brush with the edge while emotionally painful was also a blessing and a wake up call. Our moments of life are much too precious to just give them up and throw them away.